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* While campaigning in Illinois, the Republican candidates for president are trying to draw comparisons between themselves and Abraham Lincoln. Off the top of my head, all I can come up with is that Lincoln had two legs and 10 fingers, too.
* Because the Illinois primary is on Tuesday, most of the campaigning the next two days will be done in cemeteries.
* Breaking news - the season premiere of "Dancing with the Stars" scheduled for Monday night was canceled when it was realized that most of these people haven't been stars since 1982.
* Sunday the Creighton men's team was eliminated from the NCAA Tournament by the Miami Heat -- wait, I'm told that was the North Carolina Tar Heels. The team just played like the Miami Heat.
* The Tar Heel fans were stoked. I don't think people in North Carolina have been this excited since they heard the tobacco tax wasn't being raised.
* It's a different environment down there. People in the stands were waving 12-foot images of the Marlboro Man.
* Just as the NCAA basketball tournament is peaking, Husker spring football practice is getting underway. This is that time of year when area sports fans sit in front of TV holding an 11-foot Doug McDermott head while wearing a rubber corn cob.
* On St. Patrick's Day, President Obama donned a green jacket and stopped by a Washington D.C. Irish bar. The green was to avoid a repeat of last year, when the secret service wrestled nine people to the ground who pinched the president.
* Obama drank a pint of Guinness. In this contentious age we live in, 5,000 Republican politicians have signed a petition condemning the president for not drinking a domestic beer.
* One leprechaun came from a land faraway. As long as he was here, he used his sister's Rockbrook Village address to register for a Nebraska Senate run.
* The town of Buford, Wyo., population one, is up for auction. You know what you call a town in Wyoming with a population of one? "Metropolis."
* In this crazy electoral process, even though the town only has one resident, it's worth thirteen delegates.
* According to the FAA, the number of air passengers will double by 2032. If you'd like to simulate the experience of flying coach circa 2032, here's what you do: buy a can of sardines and drive over it in a semi truck.
* This means if you plan on traveling anywhere on Thanksgiving 2032, and you're not already in line at the security check, it's too late.
* British Prime Minister David Cameron has returned home. Obama-watchers say the president has little in common with Cameron and the two have virtually no chemistry. Last time Obama was around someone like that, he named him vice president.
* Newt Gingrich visited a zoo in New Orleans just ahead of Saturday's Louisiana primary. The visit was marred when two parrots called on Gingrich to drop out of the race.
* This just in: The GOP is hoping to settle on a presidential nominee by 8 a.m. on Election Day, at the absolute latest.
* The Illinois primary is Tuesday. Mitt Romney is expecting to gain the endorsements of some former Illinois-elected leaders, if he can find any that are not incarcerated.
* Former Ill. Gov. Rob Blagojevich has begun serving his 14-year sentence. He's already in trouble. He smuggled into prison a king-sized bed and a washer/dryer inside his hair.
* In suburban Atlanta, a man returned to the bank he just tried to rob to withdraw money for the cab fare home. Is it any wonder we can't reduce crime with these kinds of criminal masterminds roaming the country?
* A Florida man was busted after police found crack cocaine in his rear. The informant who told police the man was carrying $100 worth of crack cocaine in his rear end was described as being someone close to the man. I think that goes without saying.
* A California physician assistant was awarded $168 million because the hospital where she worked was ruled a hostile work environment. Normally when you see a figure like $168 million in a hospital, a patient is paying his bill for a two-night stay.
* The Nebraska Legislature shot down a proposal to remove all term limits for members. That would've effectively meant that legislators could serve their entire lives. The Nebraska Legislators would be like U.S. Supreme Court justices, only without the brains, intellect, common sense, work ethic or robes.
* At McDonald's in Austria there's a new menu item: a deep-fried version of the McRib, topped with bacon. I have to feel that eating one is a cry for help.
* "Dancing with the Stars" regular Maksim Chmerkovskiy may be leaving the show. If this means I never have to worry about spelling Maksim Chmerkovskiy correctly again, I'm all for it.
* Fiona Apple has released an album with a 17-word title. The average American read the first six words of the title, got bored and logged onto YouTube to watch a cat rolling down a roof.
* There's speculation the NCAA selection committee rigged the seedings for TV so Doug McDermott went against Harrison Barnes. There's some truth to the rigging things for TV allegation - Kentucky opened play vs. "Bachelorette" contestants.
* Iowa State defeated defending national champion UConn. This is one of the biggest sports wins in Iowa St. school history that didn't involve eight fumbles by Nebraska.
* The Omaha Lancers' new goalie, Thatcher Demko, got off to a good start, sporting an 8-3 record. Not only that, he's just been named captain of my all-name team for 2012, 2013, 2014 and 2015.
* The 2012 Iditarod is over. Cheating is so rampant in sport, the third-place musher crossed the finish line in a Hyundai.
* Due to narcolepsy, an Oklahoma high school girls' basketball player often plays defense while asleep. Allen Iverson said, "She stole that from me."
* You know what you call it when basketball defense is played while sleeping? "The NBA All-Star Game."