Breaking Brad: Tuesday, Feb. 14

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Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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* Economists say the U.S. government needs to cut spending immediately. In order to cut spending to the bone, I propose eliminating the U.S. Congress and replacing members with Kansas City Royals management.

* Members of Congress are weighing in on President Obama's 2013 budget. I'm not sure why. It's not as if many of the incumbents are going to be around in 2013.

* I saw an ad for "Valentine's love potion." I think that used to be called beer.

* Valentine's Day is when you let your special someone know how you feel. I'm trying to confirm that Donald Trump sent himself a card.

* According to the National Retail Federation, the average American purchases a Valentine gift for his or her pet. A support group is forming for women whose husbands got the family dog a Valentine but forgot her.

* The average American spends $4.52 on a Valentine's gift for their pet. The good news: Americans are spending again. The bad news: They're buying romantic gifts for Spot.

* A Brooklyn, N.Y., state-of-the-art sewage treatment plant is offering Valentine's tours. This means that True Value Hardware jasmin-scented power rake is only the second-least-romantic Valentine's gift.

* New York Knicks fan Spike Lee sent a valentine to the love of his life - Jeremy Lin.

* President Obama told Michelle that instead of a Valentine's gift, just give him campaign cash.

* Hallmark introduced its line of Kim Kardashian Valentine's cards where you promise to love your valentine for eternity ... if you're defining "eternity" as 72 days.

* Nebraska state Sen. Democrat Steve Lathrop will not run for U.S. Senate. That leaves state Democrats to rally round NU Regent Chuck Hassebrook and the historic "You're All We Got" campaign.

* To protest invasive security searches, people at the Manchester, N.H., airport stripped to their underwear. People were walking around in nothing but undies, so it was very similar to the red carpet at the Grammys.

* It turns out that reported woolly mammoth sighting in Siberia last week was a hoax by "publicity seekers." The Gingrich campaign has gone too far this time.

* On Tuesday, the vice president of China met with President Obama. The Chinese VP was here to collect the security deposit and set guidelines on when our rent check is due.

* President Obama unveiled his 2013 budget on Monday. To fund our debts, it calls for finding a credit card with an $18 trillion spending limit.

* After seeing details on how Obama plans to fund the budget, the wealthy in the U.S. began an orderly evacuation to Canada.

* Mitt Romney just described himself as "severely conservative." With swing and independent voters likely to determine the election, President Obama announced he's going to stop campaigning and let Romney do it for him.

* Romney won a straw poll at the Conservative Political Action Conference. Some of the handwriting was nearly illegible, since attendees had to hold their noses with one hand while voting for Romney with the other.

* President Obama said: "I deserve a second term." Well, it's a done deal then. We don't need to hold the election.

* Roseanne Barr is on the California ballot as a Green Party candidate. What kind of a sick world is it when Roseanne is a legitimate candidate for office and Bob Kerrey and Chris Christie are not.

* According to a new poll, Newt Gingrich is leading the GOP pack in Oklahoma. This is because Gingrich is interested in the No. 1 issue Oklahomans are grappling with: the proposal to limit size restrictions in stills.

* Someone in Omaha won a $1 million lottery. And even with the money, the winner is a little short on his OPPD bill.

* Homeland Security is going to begin monitoring Twitter. If Homeland Security is looking for inflammatory statements on Twitter, it won't have time for anything else.

* Pope Benedict XVI has joined Twitter. Today the pope tweeted what he had for lunch in 89 different languages.

* There's a new trend in teenage dating: giving your online passwords to the person you're seeing. So while the typical teenage relationship had been lasting about three months, I'm confident this trend will reduce that to around two hours.

* A West Virginia college student filed a lawsuit against a fraternity, claiming he was injured when he fell off a deck after a bottle rocket exploded in another student's rectum. I have the name of the fraternity: Kappa Kappa Moron.

* There are tentative plans for an Alaska Open golf tourney. It'd be the first golf tournament suspended for six month on account of darkness.

* Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones claims he's had 50 concussions in his life. That explains those Cowboys draft picks.

* Next season, more NFL games than ever will be played on Thursdays. Games are played on Mondays and Sundays, with Saturdays and sometimes Wednesdays for college football, and Fridays for high school games. This leaves Tuesday night for men to spend with their families, unless of course there's a replay of "Inside the NFL."

* A man built an exact replica of Lucas Oil Stadium using 30,000 Legos. Joe Biden said he's just glad he found something to keep himself occupied the past three years.

* The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is out Tuesday. It's been such a mild winter that the photos were taken on Carter Lake.

* Jose Canseco joined a baseball team in Mexico. To make sure nothing like this happens again, Mexican officials are building a wall along the border.

* The NCAA put Nebraska on two years of probation for improperly dispensing $28,000 in textbooks. If you're keeping track of UNL expenditures: textbooks, $28,000. Bedbug-sniffing dog, $100,000 and counting.

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