Sylvia Plath laid the case for expectations in "The Bell Jar."
"If you expect nothing from anybody, you're never disappointed," she wrote. Initially, Plath's statement may reek of bitterness, but really, at least when it comes to relationships, it's quite brilliant — and accurate.

In the beginning of a relationship, when the couple is mesmerized by love and adoration for one another, expectations are but a tiny unassuming blip on the future-relationship radar. Give it a little time, however, and the blip can blow up into an expectation-filled balloon. Adoration can easily transform into irritation, and love becomes overshadowed by "Why doesn't he pursue a better career?" or "Why can't she look like Eva Mendes?" Expectations in a relationship, if not put in check, may become the thing around which your relationship revolves . . . or dissolves.

Defocus by Disassociation

Expectations in a relationship, although potentially menacing, are common, as psychotherapist Brooke Miller (www.soapboxtherapy.com) can attest.
"I talk with my clients about it almost weekly," she says. "I've done workshops and led seminars and groups on the topic."
According to Miller, expectations are a means of taking the focus off one's own faults by focusing on the faults of others — our partners, for example. "Why would we want to spend time admitting that we have things to personally work on," Miller says, "when we could spend our time feeling good about ourselves as a result of the downfalls of others — especially those we're in a relationship with?"

It's not only redirecting focus from ourselves that causes expectations to become problematic. The avoidance of the root problem (or problems) within the relationship itself may be a cause for disassociation via unrealistic expectations.
"We convince ourselves that if the relationship is hard, it's most likely in part due to something our partner is doing — or not doing," explains Miller. In the process, we hide our accountability beneath our expectations of others.

Expectations Are Like Gremlins . . . They Multiply Quickly

Expectations within a relationship can eventually become habitual. Miller suggests it's a byproduct of societal influence. "Our addiction to progress and movement as a society is palpable, and allowing someone to be fantastic just as they are is totally counterintuitive to what we've been taught as a culture," says Miller.
The notion that we must continuously strive to do more, be more, doesn't always impact relationships in a positive manner. In fact, according to Miller, "When we treat others in a way that makes them feel that they are not good enough yet remain in a relationship with them, it sends a confusing and damaging message."

Not only is a mixed message of this nature detrimental to the partner, it's equally damaging to the individual indulging in the behavior. "The most compelling reason we have such high expectations of our partners is this: our relationships are a reflection of ourselves, of who we are and how we want others to perceive us in the world."

Stepford Spouse or Authentic Spouse?

"The best way to appreciate someone for who they are is to understand why you're trying to change them," says Miller. Is it a fundamental character defect or flaw that directly affects you? Or could it be that the flaw in question simply elicits a feeling of fear? "Are you worried about how your partner's behavior would reflect on you or about what people might think of you?" asks Miller.
Finding the answer not only puts the accountability back on you (where it should be), but it also "might help you to find a way to feel good about who you are in the world. And at that point, you will be able to provide the kind of love your partner deserves and the kind of acceptance every human deserves."

"I'll Love You Best When I Love Me Best"

"People who are truly in love with their partner and comfortable in their own skin simply don't struggle with unrealistic expectations," says Miller. Of course, from time to time the inevitable expectation may creep in. If, however, an individual is secure overall, he or she will be more apt to discuss problems and issues with a partner rather than deflecting or transforming them into expectations.

Miller suggests that if an individual feels they don't need to work on themselves and are simply unsatisfied within the relationship and unable to identify with what has been suggested here, it may be time to consider seeking professional help or moving on.

« Livewell - Sex & Relationships

Share