Breaking Brad: Thursday, Feb. 2

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Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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* President Obama raised $247 million in campaign funds in 2011, a record for a sitting president in a non-election year. I'm just proud to live in a country where any man who can raise a quarter of a billion dollars can run for president against a man whose net worth is almost $300 million. This is the land of opportunity.

* According to a report, Donald Trump may form a third organized political party. Going by the Democrats and Republicans in Congress, technically this would be the first organized political party.

* After initial reports that Trump would endorse Newt Gingrich on Thursday afternoon, now the AP is reporting that Trump will endorse Romney. The way Trump thinks, he may stun all of us and in a fit of self-promotion endorse Omarosa.

* We may get 8 inches of snow this weekend. This after the groundhog predicted six more weeks of winter. If you're keeping track of weather forecasts, that'd mean: groundhog 1, doppler radar 0.

* Thursday is Groundhog Day. Newt Gingrich saw his shadow and it was Mitt Romney.

* We've had such a mild winter, when he came out of his hole, Punxsutawney Phil was wearing a thong and sun screen.

* Phil saw his shadow, which means there will be six more weeks of winter. What exactly does he mean by "more"?

* Groundhog Day is a little different in Omaha. Instead of a groundhog emerging from a hole, a carp pops out of a water main break.

* The groundhog tells us whether it'll be an early spring or if we're looking at six more weeks of winter. Since we're talking long-range forecasts, I'll pit the prediction of an underground-dwelling rodent against that of an Omaha TV meteorologist any day.

* Bo Pelini was not hurt in a car accident Wednesday evening. Thank goodness. X-rays revealed only an 80-pound chip on his shoulder.

* I'm trying to confirm rumors the accident occurred near the UNL campus and that Pelini swerved to avoid a giant bedbug.

* Now a UNL fraternity reported a possible bedbug. Counselors are being brought in to help students deal with a bedbug being rushed when they were not.

* A juror in a Douglas County trial was kicked off for checking his cellphone during testimony. A number of other jurors around the country were given the boot for going on Facebook during trials. I'm starting to think that at $5 per day, jurors are overpaid.

* According to a report, Newt Gingirch may be threatening to leave the Republican Party. Republican leaders are preparing their official response to Newt's threat, and I'm pretty sure will contain the phrase, "Don't let the door hit you in the butt."

* According to reports, Donald Trump will endorse Gingrich for president on Thursday. Before endorsing Gingrich, Trump had one request: "I need to see your birth certificate."

* Trump is expected to endorse Gingrich. I think there's a 50 percent chance Trump will say: "I'm here to announce that the best man to be the next president of the United States ... is me! I'm the best. Vote for Donald Trump."

* President Obama's 2005 Chrysler is up for auction with bids starting at $1 million. The only way that car is worth that much is if there's an economic plan under the seat.

* The General Lee car from the "Dukes of Hazzard" was also just auctioned off. Since the election is costing hundreds of millions of dollars we don't have, I say call the thing off and instead hold a drag race with Obama is his old car and the Republicans in the General Lee.

* PGA golfer Bubba Watson bought the General Lee. You know the technical term for a guy named Bubba who drives around in the car from the "Dukes of Hazzard"? "South Carolina voter."

* Gingrich is trying to portray the Florida primary as a victory of sorts. That's a little like Custer trying to frame Little Bighorn as a W.

* Gingrich has been making some wild accusations. Now he's demanding to know Romney's whereabouts during the pre-Christmas Walmart pepper spray incidents.

* Hillary Clinton said she probably won't return as Secretary of State, suggesting that she's tired. Bill Clinton said, "You're tired? I'm the one who's been sleeping on the couch since 1996."

* During the NBC-sponsored GOP debate, moderator Brian Williams admonished the crowd not to applaud or boo after each candidate's responses. Apparently, at the time the debate was scheduled, NBC assumed Rick Perry would still be in the race and planned to insert a laugh track.

* A California house designed to handle the end of the world is on the market. Do you suppose the walls are painted bright yellow to create a cheery mood?

* An 85-year-old woman in Alaska used a shovel to ward off a wild moose that attacked her husband. Some day I'd like to see our elected leaders draw straws to see who tells her her Social Security has been cut.

* Officials at the Cairo airport seized 420 pounds of cow brains a passenger was attempting to smuggle. A Sizzler spokesman excitedly shouted, "A new use for the cow!"

* Brad Pitt is talking about having more kids. Newt Gingrich better get that colony on the moon ready fast.

* The TSA confiscated 1,238 guns at airport checkpoints in 2011. That's enough to arm an entire NBA locker room.

* The life expectancy of Americans has increased to 78.7 years. It'd be 81.4 years if not for Paula Deen recipes.

* Van Halen has reunited. Members are getting up there. Instead of "Jump," now their big song is "Crouch."

* The soap opera "One Life to Live" just ended its four-decade-plus run. This will give the cast an opportunity to finally take those acting lessons they've been putting off since 1965.

* The NCAA put Nebraska on two-year probation for giving athletes too many textbooks. When a Southeastern Conference football player heard this, he laughed so hard that he crashed the brand new Corvette a booster sold him for 11 bucks.

* Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel is a hero after banging on the door of his neighbor to notify her the house was on fire. Just think: If this week the Chiefs had been in Indianapolis for the Super Bowl ... actually, my brain can't process the concept of the Chiefs being at the Super Bowl.

* The woman said she's grateful to the Chiefs offensive line or she may not be alive.

* Aaron Rodgers lashed out at his NFC teammates in the Pro Bowl for dogging it. For instance, that crucial fourth-quarter drive when the running back fumbled because he was holding a sun reflector.

* In Irving, Texas, a helicopter made an emergency landing on a golf course. The quick- thinking pilot chose the location after correctly guessing there were 185 doctors on the course.

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