Breaking Brad: Wednesday, Feb. 1

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Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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* The World-Herald is offering extensive coverage of college football signing day. Eight of our reporters are live blogging all day from the garage roof of a four-star recruit.

* I spent signing day in traditional fashion: got up early, exchanged gifts with family and then went to church.

* According to a report, Newt Gingrich may be threatening to leave the Republican Party. This should carry about as much weight as a couple of zebra mussels threatening to bolt from Zorinsky Lake.

* An Obama impersonator who looks and sounds like the president asked a question during the recent YouTube virtual press conference. Everyone knew he wasn't the actual Obama when he presented workable economic and health care plans.

* Iowa GOP chairman Matt Strawn resigned in the flap over who won the Iowa caucuses. Strawn said he just wanted to go home and spend time with family. Unfortunately, when he got home, there were eight uncounted Santorum voters still standing in his living room.

* It's February, the month associated with that day known for love. Which, in Nebraska, happens to be college football national signing day.

* Wednesday is signing day in college football. I wouldn't say this is a big deal around here, but in Lincoln the parade gets under way at 10th and O Streets at 7:30 a.m. and winds down at the I-80 Waverly interchange at 7 p.m.

* To give you an idea how important signing day ultimately is to the success of a program, Bill Callahan had some terrific classes.

* Signing day is when a group of high school seniors, many who have no idea what they intend to study, announce they've chosen a particular university "for the academics."

* Occupy Washington, D.C., protesters are refusing to leave. Perhaps the quickest way to get rid of them is to appoint them to Congress and as incumbents they'll all be kicked out in the November elections.

* The Occupy protesters are just sitting and taking up space. Joe Biden said, "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."

* Mitt Romney defeated Newt Gingrich by a wide margin in the Florida primary. How wide? If this had been a softball game or a boxing match, it would have been stopped early.

* In Florida, Romney won 46.4 percent of the vote and Gingrich 31.9 percent with 100 percent of the vote counted. That is simply amazing. Not the totals, but that Florida has already counted 100 percent of the votes.

* The Florida voter tends to be a little older. This was the first state where candidates ran advertising exclusively on TV Land.

* The Florida election was supposedly decided by Joe Six Pack, and because it's Florida we're talking a six pack of Metamucil.

* Now it's on to Minnesota, temporarily dubbed "Land of 10,000 Cheap Personal Attacks."

* The GOP candidates are painting a rather bleak picture of our nation's future. C'mon, Newt Gingrich, if Obama or Romney is elected, I highly doubt that means another asteroid hits the planet.

* President Obama is seeking power to merge government agencies. That's a good idea, we could put the DMV, IRS and U.S. Postal Service under one umbrella called the TDHAC - "They Don't Have A Clue."

* Obama attended 13 fundraisers in January. While that sounds like a lot, it would've been 20 had the rest not clashed with his tee times.

* On Tuesday, Obama attended the Washington, D.C., Auto Show. You sit at home thinking, "Wow, the country sure is in a mess. At least the president is working night and day to fix things." Then you turn on the news and there's Obama looking at the car David Hasselhoff drove in "Knight Rider."

The highlight of the visit was when Obama offered to bail out all 46 automakers present.

* Newt Gingrich has made some wild accusations the past few days. If on Thursday the groundhog predicts six more weeks of winter, Gingrich plans to blame the Romney campaign.

* Gingrich has been campaigning extensively in south Florida. It brought back memories of the first time he ran for president and was joined on the Florida campaign trail by Ponce de Leon.

* Romney is bragging about how he organized the Winter Olympics. Romney was perfect for the job, seeing as how he has money invested in every country represented at the Winter Games.

* U.S. Rep. Allen West (R-Fla.) called on Nancy Pelosi and several other leading Democrats to "get the hell out of the United States of America." Pelosi was so put off by West's comments that she's vowing to let her Botox lapse so she can frown at him.

* In an anti-Vladimir Putin protest, thousands of cars are slowly circling central Moscow, just driving in circles at 2 mph, not going anywhere. In Omaha, that's called rush hour.

* To root out bedbugs in dorms, UNL officials brought in bedbug-sniffing dogs. If this works out, officials plan to introduce their new "lice-detecting goose."

* The UNL bedbugs are cocky. They released a statement saying they're confident they'll outlast Doc Sadler.

* A California bank robber was caught after witnesses saw him driving away in a car with personalized license plates bearing his name. If I'm not mistaken, this was also a scene in "Police Academy VI."

* I understand he just got new vanity plates reading "DumGuy."

* The national debt has increased another trillion dollars. We just paid for the Obamas' vacation.

* Seal and Heidi Klum have split. This is the latest in breakup among couples you thought would last a week but somehow made it years

* Prince Fielder signed with the Detroit Tigers after rumors that he was headed to a West Coast team. The commissioner vetoed a trade to the West Coast after seismologists said there are enough earthquakes in the region without Fielder running over fault lines.

* A Texas school district is dropping all sports so the students can focus on academics. One more bowl season like the last two and I look for the Big Ten to do the same.

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