Breaking Brad: Monday, Jan. 23

Premium ContentMouse over Home then click on Premium Content for information.

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

* * * * * * * * * *

* In a video posted on a state-run TV website in China, Warren Buffett is playing his ukulele and singing "I've Been Working on the Railroad." Coming right after Steven Tyler's national anthem rendition, Buffett sounded superb.

* The video of Buffett singing and playing his ukulele was posted on a state-run TV station website. Hey, Chinese government, it's gonna take more than this to convince your people capitalism is evil.

* Newt Gingrich is encouraging Americans to go online and read the 1,300-page ethics report on him. This is not to be confused with Mitt Romney's 2010 tax return to be released on Tuesday, containing 1,300 pages of deductions.

* Instead of reading the 1,300-page ethics report on Gingrich, most Americans said they're just going to wait for the half-inch pie chart in USA Today encapsulating the report.

* JetBlue has wrapped up a one-day fare sale. I think we need an FAA rule that airline fare sales have to last at least as long as that airline's passengers are stuck on the tarmac.

* President Obama is preparing to deliver the State of the Union address Tuesday night. I wouldn't say he'll try to turn it into a campaign speech, but members of Congress have been asked to wave signs that say "Four more years."

* Our long, national nightmare is over - a winner has been determined in the Iowa caucuses.

* Rick Santorum appears to have won the Iowa caucuses by 24 votes. I wouldn't say the results are questionable, but in the future Jimmy Carter will be monitoring the Iowa vote.

* Newt Gingrich won the South Carolina primary. Of course the last time Gingrich won South Carolina he was riding the coattails of that Robert E. Lee endorsement.

* This opens Newt up to greater scrutiny. In the 36 hours since he's emerged as the co-frontrunner, reporters have found 1,897 skeletons in his closet.

* At this point, it's unclear if the South Carolina results were more of an anti-Romney vote or a pro-open marriage vote.

* Actually, according to exit polls, most voters went with Newt because they didn't want to have to endure any Gingrich concession speeches.

* Since there have been three different GOP winners in three different states, experts say "It's up to Florida voters to give us a clear leader." That may be the scariest statement ever uttered in the history of politics.

* With three different winners in three states, a nervous Republican Party introduced a bill that would lower the age at which you can run for president from 35 to 25. So Tim Tebow can be the nominee.

* Democrats announced that if Newt Gingrich is elected president, they plan to have Marianne Gingrich give all the Democratic rebuttals to State of the Union speeches.

* Even though he's dropped out of the race, Rick Perry is still on the national stage. Perry weighed in on relocating endangered beetles for the Keystone XL pipeline. Perry said it's OK to relocate Ringo, but he doesn't want Paul moved.

* ABC just aired a bombshell interview with Newt Gingrich's ex-wife Marianne. The GOP election has been eerily similar to an old TV show. We have a Marianne, we have a wealthy guy, Mitt Romney, like Thurston Howell III, and we had an a.k.a. Gilligan, Rick Perry.

* During the debates, candidates have been criticizing Mitt Romney but wrapping that criticism in anti-Obama rhetoric. For example: "President Obama has repeatedly failed this country. His economic and health care plans are hugely disappointing; just like Romney's hair."
　
* President Obama now has 11 million Twitter followers. Which sure sounds impressive, until that day we learn Wilder Valderrama has 13 million.

* Michelle Obama has joined Twitter. Her Tweets are managed by the Obama reelection campaign. That explains Tweets like: "Just ate lunch - delish! Pls. Send ur $ to Reelect the Prez.org."

* On Sunday, millions of Americans called 911 to report a whistling-like noise that was probably a gas leak. Turns out it was just Steven Tyler singing the national anthem before the AFC championship game.

* A memo to all American Idol contestants: consider taking a cellphone video of Tyler's performance to the auditions, and if the judges say you stink, say, "You think I stink? Watch this."

* After Tyler's national anthem rendition, Christina Aguilera and Roseanne Barr said, "What were you thinking?"

* Six newcomers have filed to run for Nebraska Legislature. That always makes me laugh, when people with little or no experience think they can serve in Nebraska's Legislature. It takes years to learn what grade of horse meat is fit for human consumption.

* The Nebraska Board of Regents is considering an increase in residence hall rates in the Nebraska system. With their uncanny sense of timing, the Regents try to raise rates three days after bedbugs were discovered in a UNL residence hall.

* Bedbugs have been discovered on the UNL campus. You can tell it's an election year. On behalf of Republican candidates for office, Gov. Dave Heineman stepped in and offered his bold new "bedbug tax credit" to benefit "hard working, middle class Nebraskans."

* Last week the Blue Man Group visited Beveridge Middle School to mentor students. It's already paying dividends. Today a number of the kids have painted themselves blue, are refusing to speak and spitting weird objects out of their mouths.

* California Congressman Jerry Lewis is retiring after 33 years in Congress. Ironically, the day he announced this, Congress was still debating the same payroll tax legislation as the day he got there.

* With all the federal cuts, there's a new proposal to serve Paula Deen's cooking to condemned death row inmates. That way the last meal will just kill the condemned.

* McDonald's is now using finger puppets to lure kids inside. Is it necessary to do anything to lure kids to fast food restaurants, considering that when the average kid spies a fast food establishment, he has a tendency to hurl himself into the building at 25 mph?

* According to a study, a person's name can adversely affect his or her love life. I think that's ridiculous and was just discussing this on Saturday night with my two dateless friends, Uriah Whipple and Helen Hickey.

* According to the study, your name will especially affect your online dating success, although it's still not nearly as important as the 15-year-old photo you uploaded to your profile.

* The Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas debuted a "robotic dinosaur" that's intended as a substitute for dogs and cats. And what better cure for our increasingly isolated society than to replace man's best friend with something that runs on batteries.

* What next? A robotic grandmother that you plug in so you don't have to make that long drive on Thanksgiving?

* Odd but true - a new species of Yeti crab has been named after David Hasselhoff. It got its name because of its hairy chest and complete lack of acting ability.

* Approximately 80 percent of the luxury boxes at the Pinnacle Arena in Lincoln have been sold for $45,000 to $65,000. It's a pretty good deal - for 65 grand, not only do you get a luxury box; you get to play in the meaningless last 10 minutes of lopsided Big Ten basketball losses.

* Three days after upsetting No. 11 Indiana, the Huskers men's basketball team suffered the biggest defeat in Devaney Center history, losing to Ohio St. by 34. The Huskers have just added a $1 per ticket "emotional roller coaster" surcharge.

* Tiger Woods called a new book by his former swing coach "unprofessional." Then Tiger stepped away from a putt to text three cocktail waitresses and a flight attendant.

* Cleveland Indians starting pitcher Fausto Carmona was arrested for allegedly using a false identity. I realize the fortunes of professional sports in Cleveland have lagged, but this is a new low. "You're a pro athlete in Cleveland?" "Not me."

* Dwight Howard said he wouldn't mind being traded to the Clippers. In anticipation of Howard's free throw shooting, Staples Center fans dug out the old body armor they wore when Shaq played for the Lakers.

« Metro/Region

Share