Vampire tales bring a summer of blood

Vampires. Despite the dangers of sunburn (or accidental immolation), they seem to love summer.

“True Blood,” HBO’s hedonistic romp through the supernatural, returns Sunday, just as ABC prepares to roll out its own stab at the monster craze with “The Gates,” a creatures-in-suburbia mystery/thriller series, on June 20.

The CW recently finished airing its first season of “The Vampire Diaries,” with season two due in September.

And, lest we forget, “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” is in theaters June 30.

To get you through the summer months well-informed, here’s a breakdown of the cultural vampires of note.

When will the craze die, you ask?

Silly human. Vampires are immortal.

“The Gates” (ABC) Glitter-to-blood ratio*: 6-to-4

(*Glitter-to-blood ratio: A measure of the starry-eyed romance and general sunshine versus vampire mayhem in each series.)

Here, “vampire” is actually symbolic for: ABC’s naked desperation to cash in on the supernatural craze.

Poorly explained plot device that allows vampires a seminormal existence: Not entirely clear; Presumably there’s a witch handy with a special brew. Or something.

Character that makes your boyfriend/husband jealous and prone to snide commentary: Candidates include Police Chief Nick, or Brett, the werewolf teen. However, Claire, the show’s vampiress, will draw anything but derision from guys.

If you watch with your mom: She dragged you into it to bond over what she thinks is a shared interest. Be accommodating.

General tone of proceedings: “Desperate Housewives” meets “This whole vampire thing is still hot, right? Right??”

“Twilight” (“Eclipse” in theaters June 30) Glitter-to-blood ratio: 8-to-2

Here, “vampire” is actually symbolic for: The carnal desires of the flesh and our efforts to resist the temptation of sin. Yeah.

Poorly explained plot device that allows vampires a seminormal existence: Instead of bursting into flames, vampires sparkle like the Lady Gaga impersonator in a Vegas revue.

Character that makes your boyfriend/husband jealous and prone to snide commentary: Edward “Shimmery sad-face” Cullen or Jacob “HGH is illegal?” Black.

If you watch with your mom: Decide now who’s Team Edward and who’s Team Jacob so you can get your T-shirts before showtime.

General tone of proceedings: Edward to Bella: “I hate you for making me want you so much.” Men in audience: (groans).

“The Vampire Diaries” (Season two begins in September) Glitter-to-blood ratio: 3-to-7

Here, “vampire” is actually symbolic for: Dead people who kill and drink the blood of others. What is this, lit class?

Poorly explained plot device that allows vampires a seminormal existence: Super-rare rings that allow vampires to walk in the sun; they , which turn out to be not that rare, since every vampire on the show has one somehow.

Character that makes your boyfriend/husband jealous and prone to snide commentary: Damon Salvatore. He’s so handsome! He wears leather and has no regard for human life! Why can’t you be more like him?

If you watch with your mom: Have a healthy debate over whether it’s better than “Twilight,” agree joyfully that having both is an embarrassment of riches. Go Team (preferred vampire saga(s))!

General tone of proceedings: “Twilight,” minus the well-meaning earnestness, plus knowing sarcasm and spurts of random violence.

“True Blood” (HBO, Season 3 begins June 13 Sunday) Glitter-to-blood ratio: 1-to-9

Here, “vampire” is actually symbolic for: Homosexuality, minority societal status, sexuality in general, violence and possibly the Mafia. For starters.

Poorly explained plot device that allows vampires a seminormal existence: Tru Blood, the synthetic blood substitute that allows vampires to forgo people-eating. However, based on the show’s proceedings, it doesn’t sell very well.

Character that makes your boyfriend/husband jealous and prone to snide commentary: Eric Northman, ancient Viking warrior turned bar owner. You’d better whisper the snide comments, though. He’s kind of big.

If you watch with your mom: DO NOT. WATCH. WITH YOUR MOM.

General tone of proceedings: The Rolling Stones on tour in 1967, if the Rolling Stones consisted of violent vampires. Welcome to HBO.

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