Omaha native Brad Dickson reviews this week in sports. Dickson is a former writer for “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.”
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The Big Ten meetings just took place in Chicago, the City of Big Conferences.
Future Big 12 meetings will be held inside a Topeka Fotomat.
One scenario has the Big Ten adding one school, Missouri, while Colorado leaves for another conference. That would mean that the Big Ten would have 12 members and the Big 12 would have 10 members. That won’t confuse anyone, right?
Some Missouri boosters are reluctant to join the Big Ten because of tradition. Sure, Missouri fans will have to learn obscene rhyming chants for a new set of opponents.
There was a new event at the state track meet, the 3,700-meter run/walk. Then I finally got to where I parked my car.
A school needs eight votes to be accepted by the Big Ten. So it’s like an Omaha primary election. Eight votes and you’re in.
Giants catcher Bengie Molina wrote an angry blog post after ESPN mocked his slow speed on the base paths. Molina had time to blog after he was lifted for pinch runner Abe Vigoda.
Dodgers owner Frank McCourt was ordered to pay his estranged wife $637,000 per month in spousal support and mortgage payments. Mrs. McCourt was not immediately available for comment. I’m not sure where she was, but we can rule out Sam’s Club.
Cubs manager Lou Piniella was described as “testy” last week. In other, equally surprising news, the sun rose in the east and set in the west.
Missouri legislators voted to remove Mark McGwire’s name from a six-mile stretch of Interstate 70. To give you an idea how unpopular McGwire is, they’re thinking of renaming it Trey Hillman Drive.
Saturday, the Omaha Royals passed out Johnny Rosenblatt bobbleheads. I think that Omaha’s best shot is to order Jim Suttle and the city council to step aside and let one of the Johnny Rosenblatt bobbleheads try to balance the budget.
The Fort Myers Miracle minor league team held “Dress Like Craig Sager Night.” We already had “Dress Like Craig Sager Night.” It’s called Halloween.
Brett Favre made a deal with the Southern Mississippi baseball team. If they make it back to the College World Series, he’ll return to the NFL. Of course, Favre made the same deal with 63 other college baseball teams.
Miami Dolphins draft choice, tackle John Jerry, missed games in college due to hemorrhoids. He had to prove that it was no longer a problem. I think that means Dez Bryant had only the second-most embarrassing interview with the Dolphins.
The Fox Network announced that the show “Glee” will follow the Super Bowl. That will appeal to the two NFL fans in the world who also watch “Glee.”
In a new documentary, Stephen Hawking asserts that intelligent, alien life-forms certainly exist. Now Hawking moves on to a bigger challenge: determining if there are intelligent life-forms on the Cleveland Cavaliers bench.
Steve Nash suffered a gash that required six stitches above his eye. Nash’s cut was so deep you could actually see Phil Jackson inside his head.
The Washington Wizards won the NBA draft lottery. I believe that this is the first thing to go right in Washington, D.C., in about nine years.
The Wizards are expected to draft John Wall because he has more weapons than Gilbert Arenas ... wait ...
Kansas coach Bill Self disco dances in a new commercial for his foundation, Basketball Boogie. I can think of something even more awkward. Three words: Mark Mangino, Lambada.
New Creighton coach Greg McDermott left a Jaybacker dinner to pass a kidney stone. After passing a kidney stone, he sort of knows what it would’ve been like coaching P’Allen Stinnett.
McDermott is such a basketball junkie that after passing the stone, he credited himself with an assist.
The University of Oklahoma sent the phone records of a former assistant basketball coach to the NCAA to determine if rules were broken. In a related story, the NCAA just leased a 20,000-square-foot warehouse to house all the phone records of Oklahoma coaches sent to them.
The WNBA just launched its 14th season. This occurs at the same time as the NHL playoffs. It creates a dilemma for fans who must decide which sport to ignore.
Wednesday’s United States Hockey League futures draft was for players born in 1994. It was a good thing to follow if you wanted to feel like you’re 130.
Late in the second round, the Lancers drafted an embryo from Toronto.
Twelve percent of people in England said they’re willing to go without sex for a year if their team can win the World Cup. The other 88 percent in England said they’d go without sex for a year even if their team doesn’t win the World Cup.
A high school pole vaulter in California lost her league title because she wore a friendship bracelet. Meanwhile, Texans’ linebacker Brian Cushing won a re-vote for Rookie of the Year despite testing positive for fertility drugs. The lesson for kids: just say no to friendship bracelets.
The NCAA lacrosse tournament is under way. A player was called for an equipment violation because he forgot the silver spoon in his mouth.
Former NASCAR driver James Neal led police on a high-speed chase that “at times resembled a NASCAR event.” I guess that means instead of the fleeing suspect, the TV cameras showed Danica Patrick doing 40 in the slow lane.
The Belmont Stakes is expected to be a duel between Game On Dude and First Dude. If I was calling the race, it’d go like this: “They’re off, dudes. Heading into the first, like, turn, it’s First Dude, Grease Bucket and, like, Game On Dude, who’s, like, gnarly but showin’ bouku speed.”
The competitors in the Tour of California bike race were rigorously tested at the end of a 104-mile stage into Sacramento. If anyone tests positive for steroids, they make him governor.
I had a miserable experience at the bank Saturday. I spent 20 minutes at the ATM behind some guy who had no idea what he was doing. He looked familiar ... “Senator Nelson?”
Despite never having used an ATM, Sen. Ben Nelson denies that he’s out of touch with the common people. Take grocery shopping. Every week, Nelson approves the list that his man servant Alfred draws up before going to the store.
NU track coach, the great Gary Pepin, just won his 66th conference title, including men and women’s teams he’s coached. Husker fans are reserving judgment on Pepin until they see if he can get 67.
And finally: The London Marathon featured the following categories: Fastest Finisher Dressed As a Vegetable and Fastest Finisher Dressed As a Baby. I’ve never felt stronger that winning our independence was the correct move.
— Dickson, an Omaha native, is a former writer for “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.”
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