Little love, or fun, in this film

Christopher Columbus! “I Love You, Beth Cooper” is one long parade of teen rom-com cliches.

House-trashing scene? You see it early. Party-crashing adventure in which a jealous boyfriend shows up and throws punches? Wait for it ... and check. Wild, reckless driving that leaves kids barely cheating death? You know it.

And both hip girlfriends and goon boyfriends come in threes, just as if there were a rule book for these things.

You might expect more from director Chris Columbus (“Adventures in Babysitting,” two Harry Potter movies), but you won't find it here.

In “I Love You, Beth Cooper,” nerdy class valedictorian Denis chooses to use his commencement speech to declare his love for the pretty head cheerleader he's been worshipping from afar since seventh grade. Why? Because his best pal, Rich, tells him to.

While he's on the podium, Denis also insults a snotty rich girl, speculates that the class bully is a victim of either sexual or physical abuse, tells Rich everybody thinks he's gay (thanks, buddy), and suggests a bulimic girl get help.

Oh, and disses Kevin, the Army-brat boyfriend of Beth, who's a martial arts wiz built like a pile of bricks.

Not quite a Mensa move there, Denis.

The movie is one long night in which every one of these characters comes back to haunt Denis and Rich. It begins when Beth and her two best girlfriends show up at Denis' graduation party (as if), followed closely by Kevin and his muscle-bound pair of sidekicks.

It ends with unlikely hookups, heartfelt declarations, unnaturally forgiving parents — and I think you can guess the rest.

Big revelations: Beth is not as perfect as she looks. Rich can snap a mean wet towel. And Denis really is, deep down, a nerd.

“Know what?” Denis asks Beth somewhere in the wee hours after yet another near-death experience. “This isn't fun anymore.”

“Who said it's supposed to be fun?” Beth shoots back.

Well, romantic comedies are supposed to be fun and funny and romantic. “I Love You, Beth Cooper” at least isn't boring, and not as gross-out (one cowpie joke, one tampon joke) or mean-spirited as some in this genre.

But it mostly fails to reach the bar on funny and romantic.

That's not the fault of Paul Rust (a Le Mars, Iowa, native) as Denis, Hayden Panettiere (“Heroes”) as Beth, Jack Carpenter as Rich or those gal-pal sidekicks. They're all pretty good actors.

And it was fun to see Alan Ruck, the high-strung sidekick from “Ferris Bueller's Day Off,” as Denis' dad. In this movie, Dad's got Ferris' zest for life, while his son is the worry wart.

That's as close to an original twist as “I Love You, Beth Cooper” can manage.

Contact the writer:

444-1269, bob.fischbach@owh.com