Looking at the ‘why’ of divorce

The demographers of the world have established the following: Americans get married more often than our counterparts in other wealthy nations, we get divorced more often, and when we’re living with someone and the relationship goes south, we’re quicker than most to hit the escape hatch.

But why?

That’s the question that has consumed Andrew Cherlin, a Johns Hopkins University sociologist, for the past few years. Why do we, as a society, trade in our significant others so much? And what does that mean for our kids?

“There’s more turnover in American families,” says Cherlin, 60, during a recent interview from his Baltimore office. “I wanted … to go back in history and think hard about culture and look at economics and figure out why that might be.”

The result of that inquiry is Cherlin’s new tome, “The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today.” The statistic-heavy 288-page book, published by Knopf, walks readers through the history of marriage in this country starting from the 17th century.

In that evolution, he writes, lies the answer to “why.” As a society, we developed competing priorities: We revere the institution of marriage but put personal fulfillment above almost all else.

“We want to be partnered up and married, but after we’re married, we judge our relationships in a very personal way,” explains Cherlin, who is on his second marriage. “We keep asking ourselves, ‘Am I happy? Am I getting what I need?’ And if the answers one day come back negative, we’re more likely to leave a relationship.”

Almost 90 percent of Americans will marry during their lifetimes; the divorce rate hovers around 50 percent. Other developed nations, Cherlin found, place strong emphasis on either relationships or individualism, but in no other place is there such heavy belief in both.

One of the most revealing statistics Cherlin turned up is that a child with married parents in the United States is more likely to see his family break up than a child in Sweden with parents who never married. And that, Cherlin says, is the real issue.

“If we’re talking about individuals without children, how many relationships they have and how long they last is pretty much their own business,” says Cherlin. “The problem, if there is one, is what it does to American kids.

“Kids need stability in their households, and our family structure gives them less of it than does any other prosperous nation,” he says.

“If you already have a child and you’ve broken up with the other parent, slow down,” Cherlin adds. “Take your time bringing new people into your household.”

Cherlin points to our modern sense of mobility as a contributing factor in the prevalence of divorce. “People who move long distances lose their support systems,” Cherlin says. Divorce rates are significantly higher in Florida and the West, where the population is rich with transplants, than in Upper Midwest states like Minnesota and North Dakota, where people tend to stay put.

Cherlin believes it may turn out to be a good thing for the longevity of their relationships that people are waiting longer to get married. Many of the Gen-Xers tying the knot today are themselves children of divorce, he says, but it’s too early to know if they’ll repeat their parents’ patterns.

Of one thing he is sure: Divorce has done little to lessen our veneration of marriage.

“It’s becoming a symbol of living a successful personal life,” Cherlin says. “It’s as if marriage is the ultimate personal badge, and everyone wants to wear it.”